So many times, I have opened this window to attempt to write a hearty blog recently and never gotten past the first thought....My heart seems so heavy and at a loss for words. Tragedy has hit below the belt this time and I simply cannot pretend that it's all okay. It's not. I see the headlines, but they don't process. I try to read some of the news, but it just drains me. I try to find the heart to fight the battles, but cannot find the gump. I try to find the motivation to react to the list of things to do...but find myself depleted before I begin. Several nonstop weeks of direct action and reactions to devastating factors have exalted all of my reserves. Christmas is when again? I can't bear to look at the calendar...the days are simply passing by in a blur. The stacks of administration papers awaiting a death certificate alone are a monstrosity.

How do you overlook the reality to sugarcoat things? I have never learned that Hollywood acting skill. I have tried to keep the younger kids busy and to distract from the obvious pain of a tremendous loss of one of our kids. I have tried to make time to feel their anguish and allow them to vent and react to their bouts of rage and hurt from losing their family member. Yet, rides in the car past the accident only drive everyone's emotions....and we must travel that road with all its reminders regularly as there are no detours to this reality.

No one wants to deal with this kind of grief and loss...The world says keep a positive attitude. The world keeps on turning. Life goes on. Are you fricken kidding me? Seriously??? Nightmares have begun to take over my sleep. I awake in cold sweats in fight mode from the internalized grief. I am certainly "angry" that my nephew has lost his life in a head on car collision. He was only 18, on his way to college classes...He had his entire life in front of him. He was trying to do the right things, including attending church regularly. He was dedicated to our family. He was exactly 5 miles from the door of his lifelong home. Dead on impact. It's God's way....they say.

We are a nuclear family. My dad had adopted his grandson (my brother's son) after years of having custody. My mom, dad, and I worked hard and collectively from far and close to raise these kids and when my daughter came; we raised them together. When my mom died in 2006, I helped dad to adopt them in 2007. We have shared their lives together....He was my nephew, my brother, and like my son. He was a helper in more ways than I can count. He shared in family responsibilities from his own school work to carrying in firewood winter after winter. When dad got sick with multiple surgeries and post operative complications between 2008 and 2011; my nephew rised to the occasion by helping change bandages and keep tabs on him when there were no visiting nurses to assist our family.

I could elaborate how he would bellow out country music from classic artists like Hank Williams, George Jones, and Willie Nelson all day long. I could tell you how he participated in youth programs like the Young Marines, Garden Club, and Volunteered at the local library. I could tell you how he visited the elders in the community to learn about their war experiences and also to share in their love of classic car renovations. I could tell you how he idolized and revered his uncles. I could tell you how he sustained a balanced attitude amidst crisis and basic life. I could tell you how he kept a smile on his face and even a "Shit eating grin" when faced with tough scenarios. I could tell you how he read books thicker than the bible.

Moreover, I could tell you about all the memories of holding him as a baby, watching him grow, listening to him sing songs in the backseat of a car during a road trip, or hauling him to school for his homecoming in a tuxedo. I coud tell you about the day he learned how to make Macaroni and Cheese by learning that directions were on the back of most boxes....and how he grew to love and cherish cooking things from banana walnut bread to steaks and pinto beans. I could tell you what an awesome big brother he was to his brother and my daughter. I could tell you how he absolutely loved and cuddled his cats. I could tell you how he'd say, "Do you know what I think is funny?..." and he'd wait til you answered him before he'd begin telling something from his heart. I could tell you about hearing him say, "I love you!" and "Thank You!" through the ages of time.

I've said it countless times.....God does not promise any of us tomorrows. Know your blessings. Don't take for granted the "moments". I can tell you how excited I was to see this young man sing in his Choir at school, to see him graduate, and to finally help him off to college where "he" wanted to be and not elsewhere.  Yes, life has had its frustrations along the line. I can recall teaching him how to wash dishes, to wash laundry, and to drive of all things....errrrr!!!! Heartaches. I did the best I could along the way within my means to share the most with him (and all of our children). I remember countless hours of playing pinochle with him, his brother, and grandpa. He enjoyed playing cards. I am glad that we got a game in a few months before this accident that took away everything. I remember watching him review options and aspirations. I remember so many little things like sharing the Fourth of July with them, watching him and his friend share 18th Birthday swats, working on a truck with him, and taking him to see a movie a week before the accident. I miss the glee in his soft voice when something excited him, the deep tones he bellowed when singing, and the high pitch when he got frustrated. I miss all of these things more than words can say.

I know in my heart that he's up in heaven with my mom (Grandma), his uncles, cousins, and many others who he's met in his lifetime. They are all "Angels" watching over us here on earth. It seems like they have been "crying" since the accident nonstop....as the ground stays "wet" with the floodwaters from heaven. I can only imagine them at peace, enjoying their time, and smiling gloriously while enjoying great times together. I imagine them playing pinochle, singing loud and proud, and laughing out loud as they share eternity together. I imagine them never getting old. I imagine them never having to feel our earthly pains again.

I guess none of this matters about how we feel through a tragedy. I guess our loss will pass in time. I guess remaining numb and allowing time to pass enough to reduce the anxieties, stress, and hurt will possibly make it better. My brother was murdered at 3 years old...my mother died 33 years later---never getting over his death completely. Live for the other kids they say....sometimes easier said than done. I know that I need to remain strong for my entire family at this point...my dad, my other nephew/brother, and my daughter. Postponement....hmmm. I guess I am exhausted because there are no quick solutions in this matter and while being strong for others-there needs to be a place for me to "Feel" and to "Grieve". 

Well, off to burying my feelings as I attempt to react to another day's list of work to do... Christmas... The only blessing that means a damn thing right now is being with the ones I love...my family. No amount of gifts, distractions, or money could buy that sense of peace of mind that comes with knowing you are surrounded by the ones you love most. Bygones. Prayers. (Do you have any idea how difficult it is to say the words....''FORGIVE US OUR TRESSPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US?) Oh, Lord help me to remain strong through this one. Time to put on the happy face, catch the happy virus, and attempt to build the ginger bread house with my daughter....in between picking a headstone and all the rest.

Sorry...just feel like exploding right now.