Jokes....Who's got some good ones? Please share!!! NEED COMEDY!

Submitted by ANGELnWard14 on Sat, 01/22/2011 - 00:55.
Dianna_and_Billy _June_1999 _in_Squids_ Backyard.JPG

Dianna_and_Billy_June_1999_in_Squids_Backyard.JPGPlease submit your jokes, one liners, and humorous stories so that we may simply lighten up things here.... I want to laugh instead of cynically delighting in researching things and reacting to negative government games.... So, here's my first submission of something cute that I love because I am a "natural blonde" and have heard all the blonde jokes you can imagine! 

Q: What goes Vroom....Screech.....Vroom....Screech???

A: A blonde...driving through a flashing red light!!!!

 

 

 

( categories: )

Hill-Billy, Young Love!

I miss him so much...but not half as much as Angelina misses her daddy! 

RIP Billy! 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

rev. diana hill - angel happy home network gives the naked truth

a "FULL THROTTLE SALOON".....image...

in one of Cleveland, Ohio backyards....was this photo taken in Ward 14?....

South Euclid area

Those were the days....

...."HE" once was a target of local affections, selective code enforcement, extreme fines, and much more in this comedy of errs of Ward 14, though...." 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

And, my favorite...

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Brain Candy Jokes and Humor
jokes about men, stupid men jokes

 

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
   

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Disrupt IT

Thanks, Norm! Great Read...LMAO!

How do you know a blonde has been working on a computer? 

There's white out on the screen.

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

Where do all the "quotas" go

Where do all the "quotas" go when the city has driven them out of their houses?

To the "Funny Farm"....where everyone is welcome!

I have a drug problem...

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.

I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to through the house when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen or bathroom sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, this land would be a better place.

 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

Hillbilly Divorce

HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer frowned, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.'

The lawyer sighed, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, course I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer started to get exasperated, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer shook his head, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is at the end of his tether but tries one last question. He asked the farmer:

"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

The farmer looked up at the lawyer and said, "Because I can't have a meaninful conversation with my wife!"

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"