Just a Moment of Reflection......in the Battle Against Lung Cancer

Submitted by ANGELnWard14 on Wed, 11/06/2013 - 00:25.
Reflecting on Early Childhood Grandpa's Wagon Rides to Town....

The journey of life can be such an amazing experience....to love and lose or to live and die....it's all so trivial but so seriously worth the effort to endure. What's it all worth at the end of the day? Well; that's all simply a matter of opinion. I know my personal blessings and I know the value which is significant to my existence...this is all that matters to me anymore. I cannot project my expecations upon others to realize the value of time and of things that money cannot buy. I simply must accept that state of mind in the middle. Tis' life! 

For now; each moment is a blessing. For now; the battle is completely exhausting....Stage IV Lung Cancer has spread throughout my dad's body. He's fighting valiantly; I believe as hard as he did during his service upholding democracy in foreign lands. He's doing it sober and without narcotics...he's a warrior....but the pain he endures is inescapable. Sometimes he zones out in such degrees of pain that I want to beat up cancer. He fights the aches and pains. His body is physically changing. He's rollercoastering with his weight. We're on a downslide. Ten pounds down this week. Not good...the week after a chemo treatment is devastating to him...and now he cannot even taste food...he explains it as though he's trying to "imagine" what it "used to taste like"....but he knows he's gotta eat to sustain his weight and health. 

All I want to do is to "ZONE OUT!" I wish I were a junky today that could get high and go off into lala land to escape my anguish. NOT. I wish I could be an alcoholic and numb the sense of emotional pain I hide. Perhaps a meeting is in order. I wish I could sleep for a couple days and recover from exhausting myself for his needs; but then the little things would build up again. I wish I could find a cure in all of my research and many cancer links that notify me daily of updates relevant to his cancer. Yes; I tend to read them often; long boring information articles about various issues with Lung Cancer. I've read whatever I could from herbal and home remedies to highly technical research. I have worked tirelessly to collaborate infinite little things for sustaining his independence and quality of life. I have put it all on the line because that is my dad....a warrior who forever fought for the world around him...and he deserves no less. I have no qualm stating it as I see it...and to see some people put their heads in the sand and keep living the unforgiven moment...as though we have endless tomorrows makes me feel bad for them...as though I'll have to listen to their regret someday........

I don't know...I am angry with lung cancer. I want to annihilate it. I want to box with it. I want to fix it. I want to cure it. I want to eradicate it from my dad's body. I want to scream at it. I want to make it disappear. I cannot. 

In the interim; I want to capture every moment in between. I want to show compassion, consideration, and help to comfort my dad as he works through his status daily. I want to hold his hand and say it's all gonna be okay...I want to be superwoman and make magic happen by addressing his bucket lists that forever exceed my capacity levels to react...So I pray and hope and push hard to cover too many bases daily. Who cares? I do... Why? Because I cannot imagine ever leaving my dad hanging out to dry.....I am so proud of him. 

For many years; my dad was the crazy Vietnam Veteran who countless persons didn't know, understand, respect, or appreciate. He was vocal and he fought for Veteran rights and much more. He cared, loved, and changed many things for the better of all. He testified in Washington, DC for Veterans' Rights. He supported more missions than I can shake a stick at like a sacrificial lamb for our nation. The little people will never really appreciate that kind of life he has led. The people who treated him as a nobody---are the nobody's who shall live in pure regret for rejecting their own. All their money could never buy the character and integrity my dad put on the table of his life...drunk or not! 

Our country at large is going to hell in a handbasket........I feel blessed to have known the life I have endured. I am intrigued by the Disney World people who've never known the battles of life I have experienced...God made their innocent, naive, spoiled behinds for some obedient, dedicated, and well needed job positions in life... let them thrive in their blind ways. But stop letting them attempt to "judge" and do God's job. My dad will be up there in heaven hugging my mom sooner than later and the world can kiss my ass in between. 

For now; I embrace my mother's strength and courage to remain steadfast throughout this life. She came to me as I was driving yesterday...and out of left field; tears streamed down my face... a well needed cry; if you will allow it. Anyhow; at the end of the day...I am exhausted...and tired.....and I will recover and keep on working it out...one day at a time......with the grace, love, and joy of an amazing support network. In the interim; I will enjoy the commercials in between the moments that are bittersweet blessings and continue to fight this battle of life with all my heart, soul and existence..............

 

 

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Prayer Request....

Somehow, at the end of every day which we live....the little prayers, kind words, love, consideration, and support of a select few; particularly my REALNEO friends; makes a world of difference....................So; I ask you all to sustain your prayers and love through the days....Thanks a million in advance as I know I have been quite consumed outside the front lines............May God Bless.... Hugs and much appreciation.....

Your prayers are like protein that fights the cancer..........and feeds the soul while revitalizing our strength and endurance............

 

Prayers to all of you as well! 

LOVE DLH. 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

The Good Fight

Finding the joy - making every moment count. You inspire me by your commitment to your dad and your family - making this memory of this recent trip and the sacrifices and work you put into making it happen - your daughters will remember it forever.

A daughter's love for her father

Treasure the precious time, my friend.

You and your daddy are fortunate to have one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to fight YOU.

Dear Cancer; 

The entire medical professional team reminds me regularly how powerless I am over you... 

I fight daily to help my dad survive... but the reality is that you are winning....

So, in consideration of the fact that I am powerless over you... I want to fight everyone and every inequity in front of me....

Let's put up our dukes and throw!!! I want to fight you all..................................You mother flower-Cancer.....You mother flower-heroin....You mother flower-corruption....You mother flower-theives.... You mother flower-liars.....You mother flower-two faced snakes... You mother flower-selfish people....You mother flower-users... You mother flower-abusers....You mother flower-turn the cheek and look the other way bastards....You mother flower-power stroking cunts.... You mother flower-evil doers....You mother flower-punks....You mother flower-down low jerks who lie to your wives... You mother flower-child predators...You mother flower-litterers... You mother flower-world of chaos....You mother flower-disrespect the flag puicks. You mother flower-flag waving people who don't know the first thing about sacrifice...You mother flower-lazy useless disease spreading scumbags...You mother flower-government mules...

You all know who you are...You mother flower-disgusting pigs..........I want to fight you all..........

You mother flower-pencil pushing subordinates that play dumb about the wrongs you commit upon the public at large... Let's fight. 

You mother flower-philanthropic suits that thrive off the quotas...let's fight. 

You mother flower-Cancer...watch out...........because our world is ready to gang up on you and eradicate you!!!! 

 

Fighting mad...................angry...........................outraged..................at Cancer................and the toxic world that leads to it...

 

Oh yes...You mother flower-AGENT ORANGE---may all the profiteers who enjoyed your birth die miserably! 

 

Sad, but true. 

 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

You and your dad are both fierce fighters

I am very proud of you, you are doing the right thing even though it takes a great toll on you, mentally, physically, emotionally.

Your dad has lasted this long, despite all his physical problems because of you, and because he is one tough old guy. Giving up the beer he used to dull the pain, and cigarettes. He told me he "just toughed it out.

You not only put your dad first, you continue to fight for your rights, for your friends, your neighborhood.

I love you, and admire and respect you, wish more would be like you, Lily, Laura, fighting the good fight. And haven't seen much from Jerleen, but she too has my love, respect, and admiration.

An adopted proud Hillbilly,

Oldroser

Merry Christmas to all the Hillbillies! <3

Thank you, OldRoser...you are forever a spirit to be reckoned with in support of our missions and love for God, Country, and Family.... I agree with you about all our hillbilly kin...Lily, Laura, Jerleen, You, and well...let's not forget Guy, Jeff, and all the rest! <3 We love you too! 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

There comes a time in terminal cancer...

When you lose your hair from chemotherapy...and then later it might grow back but feel like nails going through burnt skin...an agonizing pain. 

When you lose your taste buds and try to remember what a specific food tastes like just to swallow it. 

When you eat food to prevent yourself from starving even though you have no desire for it... 

When you feel pain that feels like someone is stabbing you in every bone of your body...and you bite the bullet to endure it until it goes away...because you don't want to be a dope head. 

When you try to live for others...who are still babies and children...

When you believe you've endured harder battles in life; but when you really are scared beyond all historic battles. 

When you fight to live; but die a little more each day...

When your pride and dignity go out the door because your infantile needs require the most basic of help...like wiping your behind. 

When you cannot lift a cup to sip fluids; because it has eaten away all the proteins in your body... 

When you cannot lift your body up to go to the bathroom by yourself. 

When your mind says; I am fighting; but your body is doing the exact opposite. 

When you want to continue the battle; but the battle is taking its toll on your physical, mental, and emotional strengths. 

When you realize others are not coming to see you because you have wilted beyond what they want to remember you as... 

When you want to tell all those doctors who are reading test results about mets from head to toe---to go rot in helll as you are remaining steadfast in this battle...and surely not giving up on it all-----to quit playing God and to do their jobs.....just keep helping you to live...

When you want to think your are gonna get through it and live....and all will be back to normal. 

When you reflect on it all and realize you may never accomplish all those dreams and goals. 

When you pray day and night to the man above for forgiveness, try to make peace with your loved ones, and pray for all to be well. 

When you realize you are a human being and that you will die no matter how hard you fight the battle. 

When you realize you are simply at the end of the line. 

When you want so much to continue the battle; but realize that you're unable to proceed forward. 

When you realize that your quality of life is GONE...but mostly because the rest of the world cannot sustain seeing you in this condition. 

I love you...I love you...I love you....Life is too short..............Screw cancer and it's fricken demonic nature.....

 

A toxic world..Thank you to agent orange...Thank you to dioxins....Thank you to the government---for creating such a monster to destroy our veterans, their families, and much more..........Toxic Government......devastated. I pray all your families endure exactly what our family has endured.....to the death of you...........

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

My mother

told me when she was dying of colon cancer, which spread to her kidneys, that she had been in an auto accident when young and had seen her whole life flash before her eyes. She said she had not been afraid then and so she was not afraid to die. She just worried about my father, gave family furniture to members she thought had a better right to do it, searching her already spotless soul for anything that needed to be corrected.

But such a Christian death was a blessing.

I still get tears when I think of her. After her death, she had no more pain and was with God. But, oh, what a hole was left in my life when she lift. When I read "Life After Life," I was comforted a bit.

Yes, we all have to die some day. And if we hold that in mind, we will try harder, to "never go to bed angry" and live the life see should, as we all could be killed any day by an automobile, not the horrible "C".

Your father's fight is equally inspiring, as is your own. I am very proud of you all and wish I could be there to give you

Much love and many hugs,

Oldroser

Timeless.....

No matter what happens....the battle against cancer will never take away my timeless love for my dad. 

I feel as though other people's inability to face this kind of stuff head on is tragic...there are a lot of weak minded individuals full of anxiety attacks about this big stuff who require sedatives when faced with fighting a battle like this. They are simply spineless, incapable of functioning, and weak minded. They are selfish in my opinion. I can understand their deliberate choices after enduring this battle with my dad for the long haul....but I don't agree. I may never appreciate the people who turn away til it's over and stand there at the end talking of regrets. Forgive me-but fuck those people. 

My REALNEO family has remained steadfast-for that I am blessed. 

Some family members and friends have referred and deferred it all to the status of ---"YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY"...many times. It's as though they resent the exhaustion I live through and wish for me to live their pampered lives of "normalcy!" Ahhh, such the laugh. I find it unimaginable to turn my back this late in the battle. Never could do that. I can understand other people's rights and choices; but to project them upon others instead of respecting their choices is simply UGLY and defiantly destructive to the support system. 

Quick, unexpected  tragedy is easier to digest in the end. While, seeing a loved one in chronic pain and digression of health is bewildering and makes you powerless-especially when they are fighting to live. 

Truthfully; this entire experience has made me totally aware of the countless medical professionals who are all human and who make lots of mistakes... I have learned that while they do amazing healing things-they also are "PRACTICING" and people like my dad are their "GUINEA PIGS!" So, with that said; I have learned not to hesitate to call them out on the carpet for their half ass bullshit because it's sickening to see those high paid workers slacking, being complacent with substandard work ethics, and treating others like they are bothering them. Get real. Especially at the VA Hospitals--if you are employed there--walk proud, act like you appreciate your jobs, and wake up---you are serving the men and women who sacrificed so you could enjoy your comfortable lives in America. 

I called the hospital the other night to talk to my now hospitalized dad's nurse. She was steaming to have to answer general welfare questions. She was obviously eating crow to be polite. While I apologized for bothering her-I realized that she was pissy and apologized some more for simply wanting to see his status. The funny thing is this....she must of told dad I called...and conveyed a similar attitude to him...because he immediately notified me that he had to let her know blatantly that his family could call 24/7 to check on him and that was her JOB to answer questions and let them know he was okay. It made me feel better and I didn't try to tell him I had even tried to call before he brought it up....lol... You see-hospital workers often times think that they are GODS and that families don't give a damn about their veterans-so they just do whatever they want. It's comical when they get patients like dad who actually pay more attention than they are used to regarding the simplicity of "ATTITUDES!" 

All my veteran dad asks for is dignity, respect, and consideration. He wants for them to use their God given skills to do their jobs well and to leave his dying up to God. In the interim; he's blessed to challenge the bullcrap and to interrogate, to get information, and to understand what is going on...even if it takes multiple times to digest. He might yell, he might snap, and he might be grouchy...but he knows he has rights and he fights for them.....so, I pray that they seriously appreciate his position and abide by it. That's all I can say for the moment...in the interim-I'm off to another day of seeing what they are portraying upon him and his rights and to react to it all as I can. 

Love and appreciation to everyone! You can only imagine how your love keeps us blessed. <3

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

He Said.....

"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone," in a lyric format like a song with a smile on his face................and asked, "What are you gonna do when I am gone?" .......I cried...........

 

He is gone. I cannot cry. 

 

 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"

Wow...reflections of the journey....

Perhaps now I can exhale a little and cry....just for a moment...after reviewing the journey we endured. 

A tumor took my dad's body by surprise and storm....it grew exponentially over the last month of his life in his lower right abdominal area. We battled with the hospital about hospice care--he vehemently did NOT want them to take over. He wanted to leave the hospital and go home to die. So, after lots of review, debating with medical professionals, and much more than I wish to regurgitate at this time; he won his battle to return to his home to die there...........surrounded by his family. 

On the day we took him home....a list of friends and family showed up to say goodbye....a forever-last time I'll ever see you goodbye!!! It's was probably harder than when he actually died. I put on a face, delayed the trip to his home, and sat here as person after person came through to spend a few moments with him... There are no words to encompass such a day....and then we loaded up and rolled down the highway to his home... 

He was in his glory stepping back into his home.....happy to be in his own bed....happy to see all the kids there...happy to hear some country music and watch some cowboy and westerns on TV. He was happy to continue fighting to keep the hospice folks out while keeping his primary care home based providers there... He was delighted by that battle to sustain his home nurse and staff.... He loved them so very much. He was happy to refuse meds that zombied him out..........he knew he was gonna die....it was surreal......

They want you to accept death and hospice........it was refused emphatically... per his direct wishes. My brother helped me to honor that by stepping up to the plate and helping me with his final days on earth.... He stood up next to me and told them professionals to respet my dad....Dad's home nurse told the main hospital folks the same. It was surreal to battle them daily about respecting his wishes. 

Soon; the effects of the Stage IV Cancer took their toll on him....mottling set in....and went away...and came back....and soon; it was the end... in the days before he died...he answered his phone, said I Love You's to all who were near and far as they called him in his darkest hours... And then-his breathing changed all at once....and he was on his way out....with my brother by my side; a family friend on the speaker phone praying over dad and bluegrass music playing in the background..............he went on to be with my mom in heaven....

Ughs...no more pain, no more suffering, no more anything. He's gone....but never forgotten. 

It's been 5 months....a whirlwind of life has been endured in that period....and all I can think about is savoring each and every moment with my children...........as though the tomorrows are not promised....and to make up for all the time that our lives were consumed with Dad's medical needs as his world slowly came to an end over the last couple of years.....

I miss him; but my tears are of peace of heart knowing that he and mom are reunited. She's got him now and they are inseparable. My tears are of precious moments that they are seeing unfold daily from heaven. My tears are of exhaustion--trying to do more than my share to progress forward. Our lives have forever been transformed and we shall all be touched deeply by my father's legacy. 

May all our veterans know love, understanding, and compassion beyond most people's wildest imaginations. The prayer vigils, the loving efforts to give the slightest respite, the little things, the hugs, the notes, the emails, the calls, the visits......there are no words for it all--except--THANK YOU!!!! I could never have been as strong, dedicated, and shared so very much had it not been for all these people who love our family so humbly. For all of them; I am beyond grateful...Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

May all of our friends and family who shared this journey know the blessings we hold dear to our hearts. 

Life is impefect...we are all humans....treat your fellow humans with kindness.........May God Bless. 

Always Appreciative, "ANGELnWard14"