Cleveland Plus, Plus and Plus

07.11.07

Developer Scott Wolstein says it’s essential that Cuyahoga County commissioners and Mayor Frank Jackson straighten the Cuyahoga River for his Flats project to be viable.

Wolstein says that a straightened Cuyahoga River will bring thousands more tourists to Cleveland and offer new land for more downtown housing or strip joints.

“I’m ready to invest in Cleveland. Cleveland has to invest in this project,” he said.

“It’s essential for the future of Cleveland,” said the popular developer.

“I think he’s right, of course. We can’t afford to be negative,” said Commissioner Tim Hagan. “A crooked river gives the city a bad image.”

“What the hell. Who’s it going to hurt? There ain’t any fish there to eat,” said Jimmy Dimora.

“If it’s good for downtown, it’s good for the city, it’s good for regionalism. I’m for it,” said Mayor Jackson.

“Man, that guy is phenomenal. Awesome. Why had no one in all these years here ever thought of this? I’m firmly behind this project. It will wake up this city,” said Councilman Joe Cimperman. Cimperman said he would sponsor legislation immediately to straighten the crooked river.

“Who wants a crooked river anyway?” said Cimperman.

The Greater Cleveland Partnership (GPC) released a statement indicating support. GCP offered a $5,000 grant for a study of how to straighten the Cuyahoga.

“We’ve failed to take advantage of our natural resources. Now here’s an opportunity to spur economic development. The community must rally around this idea. Future generations will look back at this time and be able to say that’s when Cleveland became the Comeback City,” said the release.

“It will make the bike path easier, too,” added GCP boss Joe Roman.

“This would make us, Cleveland++,” added Roman.

“No,” interjected downtown booster Joe Marinucci, “It makes us Cleveland+++.”

“I’m not completely sold yet,” said Plan Commission chairman Tony Coyne. “Has anyone checked if they’ve done this in Chicago?”

“I’ll handle the details if you’d like,” said managing partner Fred Nance of Squires, Sanders and Dempsey. “Of course, we can also handle the bond work. For the usual small fee.”

The Plain Dealer reported 300,000 jobs would be created, citing a study by Cleveland State University’s Urban Affairs dean Mark Rosentraub. Rosentraub predicted property taxes will rise by at least $1 billion. “The city can use that money,” he said.

Rosentraub said there could be as many as 500,000 permanent new jobs created. “Rivers are an important urban asset,” he said.

“I’m pumped up. It is definitely the big push this community really needs,” said Rosentraub, continuing, “I hope we have the foresight to pursue it, even it if requires a small increase in the sales tax to 12 percent. This is no time for public cynicism. This is a win-win project. We must rise to the occasion.”

“Who wants a crooked river,” said Pepper Pike Mayor Bruce Akers. “I think the suburban mayors will get behind this idea.”

“We’ll move the earth. Or at least some of it,” said Wolstein.

(Lakewood Buzz-cached)

This is hilarious and so appropriate. Thank you, Jeff for remembering this, and Laura for digging it out.

The foresight of Roldo!  

When I read the cleveland.com coverage of this today,  my reaction was, nah, they can't be serious (for many reasons). Course, that was my reaction to Reagan and George W's candidacies and look how that turned out.